VI

You should know that I tried doing this same thing my freshman year with my friend Jake. But, seeing as we're both lazy, we wrote a couple of them and gave up. I didn't have to tell you that, I could've just copy and pasted it without telling you. But I'm a good and honest person. Remember that and tell my mom. Anyways, I went back to that gravesite and looked through what could've been and found this.

Hey friends, the 3 or so of you who read this. As a college student I, along with 90% of my peers, have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. So, I have decided to pursue my dream of becoming a stand up comedian. Joking, not really. Anyway, I was perusing through old documents on my computer and found the golden egg of my high school writing career. I have copy and pasted it below. Yes my sister helped me write it and no, my teacher didn’t give me (us) an A. So this one’s for you Fanara.
My Modest Proposal:
My grandparents came to this country in pursuit of the American dream. They, and others like them, were happy to have the opportunity to have a well paying job and benefits to provide for themselves, each other, and their children. Their grandest aspiration was to one day live in a sensible sized house and have enough food on their plates.  But, times have changed, and we as a culture need to change with it.  All of the unrelenting work that was required to achieve any measure of success caused a lot of stress and anxiety.  And, as we all know, stress and anxiety cost us millions of dollars in associated medical expenses.  Fortunately for our society today, there may be an easy fix to this problem; legalized marijuana.   Now, instead of being a working stiff, one may enjoy the pleasures of sitting at home eating funions, listening to Pink Floyd, and watching a lava lamp for hours.  Go ahead and laugh now but that is where country is headed, so here is my modest proposal.
Children: the future of America. It is perhaps the worst kept secret that exposure to marijuana is happening at a much younger age than before, but what is the problem with that? Never mind what the American Medical Association has to say on the subject, when “High Times” magazine vigorously promotes all of the health benefits of smoking pot. Since it is so obviously beneficial, why wait until kids are 21 when we can just hand them a lighter at their 5th grade graduation?  Smoking grass doesn’t have the same nasty health effects as tobacco, so inhalation shouldn’t be a problem, right?  In fact, if parents would teach their preschool children how to roll joints, it would quickly develop their motor skills in preparation for the difficulties of elementary school.  More than one first grader has complained of writers’ cramp after a hard day at school.  It is surprising that there is not an epidemic of carpel tunnel syndrome among elementary school students, what with all of that reading and writing business.
When more than one in every ten Americans takes some kind of anti-depressant on a daily basis, we are clearly headed down a dangerous path.  The powers that we have so dutifully followed have gotten things all wrong.  What if the future of this great nation lies in the hands of a new generation of tie-dye shirt wearing, left-wing voting, Whole Foods shopping, yoga enthusiasts?  Why can’t the leader of the free world be the proud recipient of a women’s studies or liberal arts degree from Bennington?  And, while we’re on the topic of youth, why should parents force their kids to suffer through a boring summer internship at a bank when they could opt for a yoga retreat in India instead?
In the old days, problems were solved though hard work and by attacking the problem at its root.  Now, we can just solve all of our problems by smoking what’s at the top of it.  Back in the days when a brownie was just a brownie, ‘experts’ put forth all kinds of half-baked arguments of why pot smoking was the cause of this country’s problems instead of the easy solution to all of them. Why should people take expensive pills by the fistful when they can just enjoy the many benefits of smoking a bowl full of this all-natural elixir? All prescription drugs come with a long list of harmful side effects, while ganja has a history of being used since the 3rd millennium BC.  It is apparent that the AMA has wasted billions of dollars on research when the answer to our problems is in this magical plant.
Along with the many health benefits of smoking doobies, the legalization would allow for profit on the drug. Last year, the U.S. Department of Agriculture spent about 14 billion dollars to farmers in crop insurance, while our citizens have grown accustomed to eating produce imported from Chile and other far flung places around the globe.  With a national debt that has reached the stratosphere, we can kill two birds with one stoner.  Now, cornfields can be replaced with miles and miles of profitable cannabis plants. With all of the worlds problems finally solved, we can all gather round the camp fire, light one up, join hands in fellowship, and sing kumbaya.
Let this proposal be my great contribution to the world. Though the position advocated in my proposal may not be the most popular choice it is no less necessary. However, I couldn’t bear the thought of taking full credit for this very practical solution. So, I am handing this pearl of wisdom to society to let them do with it what they will, and I will now live out the rest of my days in the trenches, combating the bong-wielding Dead-Heads in opposition.

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